The Art of Respect

When I was growing up in the '60s you respected your parents and any other adult in your life. It wasn't something that was discussed, nor were you given a choice. It was a "given" - an indisputable fact of life. And if you didn't show respect . . . well, I don't even want to think about the consequences -- a backhand across the mouth or a "whoopin'" with the belt. My folks trusted in the the Bill Cosby way of child-rearing, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!" Respect was taught and then demanded.

Of course that kind of corporal punishment has been outlawed and so unfortunately has most shows of respect. Now the thought is that respect must be earned and is not just given because you're an adult. But I think young people nowadays are confusing 'respect' with 'agree'. For me, respect is the equivalent of honor, as in "honor your mother and your father", you know, like in the Bible? (Probably also goes back to the Bill Cosby school of child-raising.)

Deuteronomy 5:16 tells us to honor our parents. There is no age limit specified so we must honor our parents as long as they are alive. Of course, once a child becomes an adult he is no longer obligated to obey them, but there is no age limit to honoring them.

You respect someone because they are your elder; they have lived longer than you; they have experienced more than you; they've made more mistakes than you; they've learned more than you. You don't have to agree with their choices in life nor do you have to take their advice (but listening with respect to that advice is a must!). You should listen to what they have to say and consider it. You don't have to like what they've done or the decisions they've made, but you do have to respect them, if only for the fact that they are your elder and are your parent. And just because you have reached adulthood and are raising children of your own doesn't remove the obligation of honoring/respecting your parents.

Social media has brought the whispered conversations that my sisters and I used to have in our bedrooms out into the public. When we were sent to our rooms as a punishment, we would whisper insults about our mom. We would vent our frustration of being punished by telling each other how unfair she was or how she didn't love us. But those conversations never left the privacy of our bedroom and were never spoken where our mom might actually hear them. When we reached our teens, we occasionally found the courage to say them aloud to her. (Oh the rashness of teenagers!) That always earned us a smack and the reminder that we must respect her. But we also saw the hurt in her eyes from that disrespect. And it hurt us. We were raised better than that.

The other day my adult nephews were having one of those "bedroom" conversations on Facebook. Their mother, my sister, is quite suffocating in her love of her five boys. Untying the apron strings is not going to happen by her choice. I understand that this kind of love is smothering and that you want to vent to someone who has the same feelings or at least understands your feelings. But having this private conversation on a public forum shows disrespect to the woman who is your mother. And then to allow a non-family member to trash talk your momma on that public forum is totally unacceptable.

I think it comes down to this -- respect equals love. If you love someone, you respect them enough not to hurt them, to treat them with dignity, to honor their thoughts and their time on this earth.  You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to like them at that moment. (My mom also used to say, "I love you but I don't like you much right now" when she was angry with us.) But if you love them then you must respect them.

I raised my only child with that same Bill Cosby adage. And yet she never treated me with the respect than is my due. Perhaps part of that comes from her father.

My husband treats me with a lack of respect a lot. Does he mean to? I don't think so, at least most of the time. I believe it comes from the way he was raised. In the exact opposite theory, he believes that respect is earned but not just because you are a parent. It is only earned by deeds. I guess living with him for 35+ years isn't enough of a deed to earn his respect. Guess he hasn't read his Bible as closely as his Catholic upbringing would lead one to believe.

Throughout our three plus decade marriage, I have been treated to subtle insults as to my intelligence and choices. I'm not as quick with the witty comebacks as he and he manages to get a few zingers in while all I can do in get angry and yell, which frustrates me and makes me angrier, which in turn slows me down and make me feel stupider. He tends to hold onto slights, imagined or real, and brings them back up at a later date so as to once again make me feel "less". So I just shut up and keep the hurt inside.

He also, "good Christian" that he is, puts others' wants and needs before his own -- except when it comes to his wife's. He will go out of his way to help at church or his family or a friend, but if I ask a favor of him, he doesn't have time because there is something more important to do or my request is trivial. So I just shut up and keep the hurt inside.

My daughter treats me in much the same way, although she has enough sense to not blatantly disrespect me too often. But when she does, it hurts so much. But I say nothing because fighting with her is just as awful as fighting with my husband.  Occasionally the hurt overflows and I wind up venting my frustrations to someone but talking this out with either or both of them is fruitless because they don't see how they are treating me, how they make me feel so belittled. So I just shut up and keep the hurt inside.

I so long for the old days when people respected those they loved. I so want to be respected. Then again, maybe I'm not respected because I'm not loved. Something to think about.